I'd like to start my introduction by saying that I feel like, when I was conceived, my mom didn't let my dad jerk off. I don't know for a fact that she didn't allow him, nor do I know that he didn't jerk off. I do however feel that it's true. That can be the only explanation for me. If you know me, you know this is a perfect description of who I am. If you don't know me, keep reading the non-sense I post on this and you'll get it.
Since the modern internet has made it impossible for kids to read more than a paragraph without getting bored, I'm going to present the rest of my biography in an easily digested "Listical."
Here goes nothing:
Shame and Groans presents:
THE TOP 10 THINGS THIS ASSHOLE RYAN LOVES
(not that you care, but FUCK are lists fun)
1. Comic book shit
This falls under comic books, comic book movies, comic book TV shows, novels written using comic book characters. You know, stuff that really turns a chick on.
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| Spider-man 300, drawn by Todd McFarlane, and the first appearance of the black suit. FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP |
2.Alcohol
Beer, whiskey, fuck if it gets you drunk, there is a good chance I've guzzled it with enthusiasm. Be prepared to witness gonzo-esq reviews of various alcoholic drinks.
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| Sam Adams Summer Ale is the nectar of the gods. |
3. Masturbation
I left this out of the #1 spot to spare any family members that may stumble upon this blog, whatever shame they may feel.
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| Yes. I do own the BiBi Jones butthole fleshlight. |
4.Nostalgia
Fuck, if there is anything better than using your pooled birthday money with your brother to buy a nintendo entertainment system from Jamesway, seeing them tease Super Mario Brothers 3 in the movie the Wizard, and subsequently buying said game from bradlees, and playing it non-stop in between marathon showings of the '66 Batman show on the family channel, I've never known it.
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| when we saw this little retarded kid playing the shit out of Mario 3, we all freaked the fuck out, collectively as kids. |
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| We bought a fuck ton of our NES games at this white trash shit-hole. Mario 2, Mario 3, fucking DUCKTALES |
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| I can vividly remember buying our nintendo, I must have been 4 or 5 years old. The guy had to reach in this area above him and pull it down, it was like buying the greatest thing ever invented. Now I buy alcohol, male masturbator toys modeled after porn stars assholes and a subscription to netflix and I'm happy. |
5.Music
I mean c'mon, who doesn't love music. Except for country music, which is for cousin-fucking yokels, I love everything MUSIC. I'm attending the Firefly Music Festival once again this summer, and I intend on starting a "Scientology" like cult. I'll be reporting on the scene each day.
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| Nothing like acting stupid with a bunch of kids right? Right? |
6.Sports
It gives your something to watch at the bar and talk about with your uncles at family functions.
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| "meh" |
7. Netflix
Because shit should be on my time, ya know? And it's always nice to load up some saved by the bell episodes to take a fap down memory lane to Kelly Kapowski.
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| *add many hearts in eyes emoji here |
8. Tacos
There is no more perfect food on this planet
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| let me wrap that junk food in junk food for you sir. |
9.Technology
One of my first memories of using a computer was when I was three years old. Sitting on my Mom's lap, playing the Ghostbusters video game on our commodore 64, which replaced my crib, and turned my own bedroom into a computer room and moved me into being "roommates with my brother." It's cool, my Mom built us a bat cave bunk bed setup. But I always had to be Robin…and Luigi…
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| No, this isn't me. But FUCK was stay-puft hard to get past in that game. |
10. Fuck, I'm out of things to list.
My name is ryan, by the way.
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