How To Drink Tequila

By:  Mike

On behalf of all of us here at "Shame and Groans," let me just say that we all enjoy a nice alcoholic beverage from time to time.  Not only are we enthusiasts of all things inebriating, but I'd go so far as to call us experts on the subject.  So listen up while I tell you the socially acceptable and unacceptable methods of consuming everyone's favorite Cinco de Mayo intoxicant:  Tequila.

Let me begin by saying that tequila really has an undeserved reputation.  Oh, you hate it because it gets you super drunk?  That's the softest thing I've ever heard.  Do you hate money because you can buy a bunch of stuff with it?  Do you hate buffalo wings because they're delicious?  Here's a crazy idea:  Don't rip 11 shots in a half hour if you don't like being drunk.

Now, the key to understanding how to consume tequila is understanding what shelf you'll find it on at the local state store.  Back when I had money, I'd indulge in a bottle of top-shelf tequila from time to time because it's downright delicious.  When it comes to the top-shelf variety, it's more about how NOT TO drink it than it is about how TO drink it.  Plain and simple, you do not mix a top-shelf tequila with anything.  If you're straight balling out of control and you can afford Patron, Don Julio, Avion or some other crazy tequila with a corked-top that I've never heard of, you best be taking it as a shot or on the rocks.  Don't let me see you order it in a margarita or I'll fight you out of principle (I'll also be jealous because you clearly don't care about wasting money).

Now, your middle shelf tequilas are as versatile as a liquor can get.  If you're going with the standard Jose Cuervo, Hornitos, or 1800, you have my permission to imbibe it however you fancy.  And no, 1800 isn't top-shelf as much as you want it to be.  Top-shelf liquors don't need some gimmicky bottle-top that pours a bullshit shot for you and then drips all over the floor when you're finally able to pry it off.  Just look how dumb this is:

Finally, you have your bottom-shelf tequilas.  This group will certainly give you the best bang for your buck if you don't mind drinking pure gasoline.  Some noteworthy bottom-shelf tequilas are Agavales, Montezuma, Pepe Lopez, anything that you can find in a plastic bottle, and Tila.  If you're not stupid, these are the tequilas that you get in your margaritas.  Those Mexican treats are always delightful regardless of the ingredients.  So, now the one question that's left is:  Can I drink a bottom-shelf tequila as a shot or on the rocks?  The answer is.....DUH, OF COURSE YOU CAN.  And I will respect the hell out of you if I ever see you drinking Tortilla Silver on the rocks.  I just really wouldn't recommend it.