OMG..."Tusk"...OMG

By:  Mike

Just look at that picture.  Just read the reviews.  "Wild, wacky, grotesque, walrus fun."  What the hell is "walrus fun?"  You'll find out if you watch "Tusk," although that is a very liberal use of the word "fun."  If you read my review of "Interstellar," you know my mind was blown (if you didn't read it, why not?).  "Tusk" blew my mind for completely different reasons.  I didn't know whether to laugh, voluntarily vomit, or curl up in the fetal position and cry.

"Kevin Smith's very best work" is a questionable opinion.  I'm not going to rank Kevin Smith movies (Ryan is much more qualified in that field), but I've seen enough of them to feel a bit uncomfortable with that assessment.  "Kevin Smith's most unique work," or "Kevin Smith's most disturbing work," or "Kevin Smith's work most likely to make you jab a rusty fork into your occipital lobe" would be much more appropriate.  After all, this is the same guy that created Jay and Silent Bob (he also is Silent Bob) and directed "Clerks," "Mallrats," "Dogma," "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" and "Cop Out" just to name a few.  "Tusk" is not any of those movies.  "Tusk" is DEFINITELY NOT any of those movies.

Here's the story:  Justin Long (skinny guy from "Waiting" and Jimmy Fallon look-alike) and some fat, old dude impersonating Haley Joel Osment (the psycho kid from "The Sixth Sense") have a popular podcast called "The Not-See Party" (say it aloud, you'll get it).  The premise of the podcast is that Long goes and interviews random people and then comes back and tells the world about it.  Super-sized Haley Joel Osment is worthless to the podcast, he just laughs a lot, looks gigantic, and *spoiler alert* hooks up with Long's girlfriend.

Anyway, Long goes up to Canada to interview some nerdy kid whose video of himself learning not to play with Samurai swords the hard way went viral (I mean, who doesn't find self-mutilation hilarious these days?).  What he finds when he gets there, to nobody's surprise, is that the kid has off'd himself.  So instead of wasting the trip to see the kid whose suicide he's responsible for, he decides to interview an old man that left a hand-written letter on a bulletin board in the bathroom of a bar two hours away from where he lives.  You know, pretty standard.

He gets to this crazy, old dude's house (old dude played by Michael Parks, from nothing you've ever seen), finds out that he was boys with Ernest Hemingway, and was lost at sea before being rescued by and subsequently leading a totally normal friendship with...wait for it...a walrus named Mr. Tusk.  From there it's that age-old, mundane story of a man trying to turn a human being into a walrus.  Johnny Depp shows up, provides some much-needed comic relief and the rest is history.

I gotta be honest with you, I actually enjoyed the movie.  But I'm sick, I appreciate flicks with some shock value. There's a really good chance that, if you're a normal person and you watch "Tusk," you won't make it through the entire movie.  There are some laughs to be had, though, and a few other things you might actually appreciate:  Michael Parks and Johnny Depp knock it out of the park with their roles, Justin Long's slutty girlfriend is super hot, and you'll feel better knowing that Haley Joel Osment is alive and fat.

This movie is funny, twisted, and just plain disturbing.  Still on the fence about "Tusk?"  You should be.  Watch the trailer if you need some help making a decision...