What you should buy your Mother- by ryan.

Sunday is Mothers Day,  and we here at Shame and Groans love the women who raised us.  Admittedly,  my lovely mother has yet to read this blog, but she raised me. She's well aware of what an asshole I am. 

SO, in keeping with said tradition, I present to you all a list of gifts you should buy your mother and why.

Replica John Hammond Walking Stick

I mean, what mother doesn't want to throw on her white linen old man suit,straw hat, and limp around her dinosaur zoo with this beautiful cane.  It'll allow her to stare deep into the soul of the mosquito, captured inside the replica amber, and wonder if the lives lost at the hands of your frankenstein like theme park monsters, was worth all the hassle. 

Yes, we have a t-rex.  It's made my hitatchi and it vibrates.

Batman Motorcycle suit.

This is the real deal.  Jacket, pants, gloves, boots, utility belt.  What mother wouldn't want to fire up her hog on sunday morning, leather up in this hot outfit, and go cruising around town talking in the grumbly batman voice.  "yes I'd like a goddamn mimosa with my french toast, and to save gotham city" she grumbles at the waiter while she orders brunch "I'm batmom"   "Okay mom, I think you've had one too many mimosas, maybe you want to back off for a little bit"  "I'm not mom you little pale bitch, I'm batmom"  "thanks for pointing out my pale thighs batmom, you know I'm sensitive about it.

I'm not the batmom ryan deserves, I'm the batmom ryan needs

Ironman 1:1 scale helmet bluetooth speaker

With this kick ass piece of memorabilia, your mom will be able to sit in her breakfast nook, rocking out to the foreigner album your dad used to finger blast her to back when they were "intimate" still, all the while telling guests that that is the real life decapitated head of Ironman, it's her trophy and she turned it into a speaker.  "MOM, will you get your hand off your lady parts!"  "relax you pale little bitch, it's over the pants, now shut up, double vision is coming on"  

Well your father certainly isn't ironman.... if you know what I mean.  He's more like "The Flash"

Star Wars Admiral Ackbar Singing Bass

Back before you were born, there was a point when your mother was excited for you.  It might not have been pre-conception.  It might not have been at conception.  It probably wasn't in the nine months POST conception.  But most likely at some point, your mother thought having a kid was going to be the biggest reward in her life.  Now she can hang this in her bed room to always remind her.  It's a trap.

Maybe you'll meet a nice girl in a cantina... you don't have to worry about meeting a robot.  Their kind aren't welcome.

Night Vision Goggles 

Because that fucking cunt across the street is up to something, and someone's gotta keep an eye on her.  It's okay mom, your decent in to crotchety old ladydom" is happening at a steady clip.  We've got you these to help.  For those few nights when you're actually awake while it's dark outside.

remember, if they're heavy, they're expensive. 

And there you have it.  Some great last minute gift ideas for dear old mom.

till next time

-ryan