OMG..."Tusk"...OMG

By:  Mike

Just look at that picture.  Just read the reviews.  "Wild, wacky, grotesque, walrus fun."  What the hell is "walrus fun?"  You'll find out if you watch "Tusk," although that is a very liberal use of the word "fun."  If you read my review of "Interstellar," you know my mind was blown (if you didn't read it, why not?).  "Tusk" blew my mind for completely different reasons.  I didn't know whether to laugh, voluntarily vomit, or curl up in the fetal position and cry.

"Kevin Smith's very best work" is a questionable opinion.  I'm not going to rank Kevin Smith movies (Ryan is much more qualified in that field), but I've seen enough of them to feel a bit uncomfortable with that assessment.  "Kevin Smith's most unique work," or "Kevin Smith's most disturbing work," or "Kevin Smith's work most likely to make you jab a rusty fork into your occipital lobe" would be much more appropriate.  After all, this is the same guy that created Jay and Silent Bob (he also is Silent Bob) and directed "Clerks," "Mallrats," "Dogma," "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" and "Cop Out" just to name a few.  "Tusk" is not any of those movies.  "Tusk" is DEFINITELY NOT any of those movies.

Here's the story:  Justin Long (skinny guy from "Waiting" and Jimmy Fallon look-alike) and some fat, old dude impersonating Haley Joel Osment (the psycho kid from "The Sixth Sense") have a popular podcast called "The Not-See Party" (say it aloud, you'll get it).  The premise of the podcast is that Long goes and interviews random people and then comes back and tells the world about it.  Super-sized Haley Joel Osment is worthless to the podcast, he just laughs a lot, looks gigantic, and *spoiler alert* hooks up with Long's girlfriend.

Anyway, Long goes up to Canada to interview some nerdy kid whose video of himself learning not to play with Samurai swords the hard way went viral (I mean, who doesn't find self-mutilation hilarious these days?).  What he finds when he gets there, to nobody's surprise, is that the kid has off'd himself.  So instead of wasting the trip to see the kid whose suicide he's responsible for, he decides to interview an old man that left a hand-written letter on a bulletin board in the bathroom of a bar two hours away from where he lives.  You know, pretty standard.

He gets to this crazy, old dude's house (old dude played by Michael Parks, from nothing you've ever seen), finds out that he was boys with Ernest Hemingway, and was lost at sea before being rescued by and subsequently leading a totally normal friendship with...wait for it...a walrus named Mr. Tusk.  From there it's that age-old, mundane story of a man trying to turn a human being into a walrus.  Johnny Depp shows up, provides some much-needed comic relief and the rest is history.

I gotta be honest with you, I actually enjoyed the movie.  But I'm sick, I appreciate flicks with some shock value. There's a really good chance that, if you're a normal person and you watch "Tusk," you won't make it through the entire movie.  There are some laughs to be had, though, and a few other things you might actually appreciate:  Michael Parks and Johnny Depp knock it out of the park with their roles, Justin Long's slutty girlfriend is super hot, and you'll feel better knowing that Haley Joel Osment is alive and fat.

This movie is funny, twisted, and just plain disturbing.  Still on the fence about "Tusk?"  You should be.  Watch the trailer if you need some help making a decision...

This Story Contains the Word "Balls" Several Times

Man Crush Everyday.

By:  Mike

I don't usually enjoy writing about things that everyone is talking about because it's honestly hard to come up with a unique take on the situation.  But, I did talk May-Pac, so I might as well just keep it rolling with Ballghazi.  

I shouldn't have to explain what Ballghazi is (also known as Deflate-Gate), but just in case you don't own a TV, computer or smartphone and have still found a way to read this, here's my best crack at it:  Tom Brady and his minions took a little bit of air out of some balls in the AFC Championship game last year.  Yep, that's it.  Now he's suspended for the first four games of the 2015 season and Patriots' owner Robert Kraft is coughing up a fat million (and a couple of draft picks) to NFL Commissioner and total weirdo Roger Goodell.

Quite frankly, you can be the judge of the harshness of the penalties handed down.  They seem a bit excessive in my opinion, but, like I said, Goodell is a weird dude and there has been no precedent set when it comes to deflating balls.  What I will tell you is how much (or how little) of a difference a slightly-less-pumped-up football makes, because I am so qualified to do so.

Who wants to hear about my qualifications?  Who wants to hear how awesome I was at football?  Wait, what's that?  Nobody gives a shit?  Of course not.  But I have thrown a football a few times in my life, so here's what I can tell you:  First, I would need to feel and hold and grab Brady's balls to really know how much deflation occurred.  And I would happily do that.  Unfortunately, I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon, so lets just assume they barely missed the inflation requirements.

The only way that there is any sort of significant advantage is if a "legal" ball is on the verge of popping.  That would be hard to grip.  Otherwise it's like the difference between...well, something that's pumped up and something that is almost as pumped up, but not quite.  Honestly guys, it's a very, very small advantage.

The real question here is this:  Why the hell are NFL teams responsible for the inflation level of their balls?  If you really want things to be fair, shouldn't both teams have to use the same balls?  It only happens in...hmm...let me think...oh, right, EVERY OTHER SPORT.  For heaven's sake, college teams are allowed to use a number of different models of balls.  I'm talking balls of different shapes, colors and textures.  Lots of diversity in the balls found on a college football field.  

So, ultimately the Pats will be Brady-less against the Steelers, Bills, Jaguars and Cowboys.  Most likely the burden will fall on the shoulders of Jimmy Garoppolo, a second-year guy out of Eastern Illinois who is equally Man Crush Monday-worthy (pictured above).  But, have no fear Pats' fans, there is good news:  Bill Belichik found a way to win 11 games with Matt Cassel in 2008 when Brady missed the entire season.  The same Matt Cassel that couldn't start over Christian Ponder in Minnesota.  The same Matt Cassel who threw zero touchdown passes in his college career (no, he didn't go straight to the NFL out of high school).  The same Matt Cassel who stinks.  And here's something to look forward to:  When the Pats and Cowboys meet in Week 4, I'm pretty confident it'll be the first match-up between starting Quarterbacks from Eastern Illinois (stupid stat, but points to me for knowing the Tony Romo also went to E.I.).  I got the Pats starting 3-1 with Garoppolo at the helm.  Who needs Tom Brady, anyway?

What you should buy your Mother- by ryan.

Sunday is Mothers Day,  and we here at Shame and Groans love the women who raised us.  Admittedly,  my lovely mother has yet to read this blog, but she raised me. She's well aware of what an asshole I am. 

SO, in keeping with said tradition, I present to you all a list of gifts you should buy your mother and why.

Replica John Hammond Walking Stick

I mean, what mother doesn't want to throw on her white linen old man suit,straw hat, and limp around her dinosaur zoo with this beautiful cane.  It'll allow her to stare deep into the soul of the mosquito, captured inside the replica amber, and wonder if the lives lost at the hands of your frankenstein like theme park monsters, was worth all the hassle. 

Yes, we have a t-rex.  It's made my hitatchi and it vibrates.

Batman Motorcycle suit.

This is the real deal.  Jacket, pants, gloves, boots, utility belt.  What mother wouldn't want to fire up her hog on sunday morning, leather up in this hot outfit, and go cruising around town talking in the grumbly batman voice.  "yes I'd like a goddamn mimosa with my french toast, and to save gotham city" she grumbles at the waiter while she orders brunch "I'm batmom"   "Okay mom, I think you've had one too many mimosas, maybe you want to back off for a little bit"  "I'm not mom you little pale bitch, I'm batmom"  "thanks for pointing out my pale thighs batmom, you know I'm sensitive about it.

I'm not the batmom ryan deserves, I'm the batmom ryan needs

Ironman 1:1 scale helmet bluetooth speaker

With this kick ass piece of memorabilia, your mom will be able to sit in her breakfast nook, rocking out to the foreigner album your dad used to finger blast her to back when they were "intimate" still, all the while telling guests that that is the real life decapitated head of Ironman, it's her trophy and she turned it into a speaker.  "MOM, will you get your hand off your lady parts!"  "relax you pale little bitch, it's over the pants, now shut up, double vision is coming on"  

Well your father certainly isn't ironman.... if you know what I mean.  He's more like "The Flash"

Star Wars Admiral Ackbar Singing Bass

Back before you were born, there was a point when your mother was excited for you.  It might not have been pre-conception.  It might not have been at conception.  It probably wasn't in the nine months POST conception.  But most likely at some point, your mother thought having a kid was going to be the biggest reward in her life.  Now she can hang this in her bed room to always remind her.  It's a trap.

Maybe you'll meet a nice girl in a cantina... you don't have to worry about meeting a robot.  Their kind aren't welcome.

Night Vision Goggles 

Because that fucking cunt across the street is up to something, and someone's gotta keep an eye on her.  It's okay mom, your decent in to crotchety old ladydom" is happening at a steady clip.  We've got you these to help.  For those few nights when you're actually awake while it's dark outside.

remember, if they're heavy, they're expensive. 

And there you have it.  Some great last minute gift ideas for dear old mom.

till next time

-ryan

How To Drink Tequila

By:  Mike

On behalf of all of us here at "Shame and Groans," let me just say that we all enjoy a nice alcoholic beverage from time to time.  Not only are we enthusiasts of all things inebriating, but I'd go so far as to call us experts on the subject.  So listen up while I tell you the socially acceptable and unacceptable methods of consuming everyone's favorite Cinco de Mayo intoxicant:  Tequila.

Let me begin by saying that tequila really has an undeserved reputation.  Oh, you hate it because it gets you super drunk?  That's the softest thing I've ever heard.  Do you hate money because you can buy a bunch of stuff with it?  Do you hate buffalo wings because they're delicious?  Here's a crazy idea:  Don't rip 11 shots in a half hour if you don't like being drunk.

Now, the key to understanding how to consume tequila is understanding what shelf you'll find it on at the local state store.  Back when I had money, I'd indulge in a bottle of top-shelf tequila from time to time because it's downright delicious.  When it comes to the top-shelf variety, it's more about how NOT TO drink it than it is about how TO drink it.  Plain and simple, you do not mix a top-shelf tequila with anything.  If you're straight balling out of control and you can afford Patron, Don Julio, Avion or some other crazy tequila with a corked-top that I've never heard of, you best be taking it as a shot or on the rocks.  Don't let me see you order it in a margarita or I'll fight you out of principle (I'll also be jealous because you clearly don't care about wasting money).

Now, your middle shelf tequilas are as versatile as a liquor can get.  If you're going with the standard Jose Cuervo, Hornitos, or 1800, you have my permission to imbibe it however you fancy.  And no, 1800 isn't top-shelf as much as you want it to be.  Top-shelf liquors don't need some gimmicky bottle-top that pours a bullshit shot for you and then drips all over the floor when you're finally able to pry it off.  Just look how dumb this is:

Finally, you have your bottom-shelf tequilas.  This group will certainly give you the best bang for your buck if you don't mind drinking pure gasoline.  Some noteworthy bottom-shelf tequilas are Agavales, Montezuma, Pepe Lopez, anything that you can find in a plastic bottle, and Tila.  If you're not stupid, these are the tequilas that you get in your margaritas.  Those Mexican treats are always delightful regardless of the ingredients.  So, now the one question that's left is:  Can I drink a bottom-shelf tequila as a shot or on the rocks?  The answer is.....DUH, OF COURSE YOU CAN.  And I will respect the hell out of you if I ever see you drinking Tortilla Silver on the rocks.  I just really wouldn't recommend it. 

Five fights that were better than "Mayweather vs. Pacquiao"- By Ryan

1. Bobby Hill vs. Hank Hill (King of the Hill)

Dirty pool mister.

Sure the "fight of the century" was star-studded, but I'm pretty sure Boomhauer was hand to witness this fight.  

ALSO, there was more action.  When Manny would get a "flurry" going, Floyd would just hug him until it was broken up by the ref.  When Hank got a "flurry" going on Bobby, Bobby yelled "I don't know you, that's my purse" and planted a foot straight into Hank's fellas.   Imagine if that happened on Saturday night, it could have truly lived up to it's "fight of the century" bill.

2. Barry Badgernath vs. Todd Wolfhouse (Beerfest)

I HATE YOU BARRY BADGERNATH

Sure, they had comically oversized boxing gloves on.  And sure Barry was wearing a 70's wedding tuxedo, while Todd wore a matching wedding dress.  And sure the cops broke it up before a single punch was thrown, but they were fighting for honor.  Barry slept with Todd's wife.  They still left on a 5 person bike, as friends.  Some things in life are more important than sleeping with other peoples wives.  Like beer.  Beer is more important.

3. Little Mac vs. Glass Joe (Punchout)

More punches thrown, and an all around better fight.  Plus it's Little Mac's first professional victory as a fighter.  Did you even wonder, while you were a kid playing Mike Tyson's Punch Out, why King Hippo's dong never fell out while his shorts were being knocked down? I mean, he's a big dude, you have to figure he's rocking something massive in those trunks, yet no spillage.

4. Any fight in hockey

Seriously, instead of paying 100 bucks to watch two idiots doing nothing in a rings for 12 rounds, watch any NHL game.   You'll see a fight that might only last less than a minute, but will have more punches thrown, more intensity, and more action than any of "Money Mayweathers" fights combined. 

5.The Hulk vs. Ironman in Hulkbuster armor

Okay, duh.  This fight beats most of them, but it makes me feel happy that while I happily paid money to watch Avengers Age of Ultron and see this epic battle, I watched the shitty "fight of the century" for free.  I can go on all day about what a piece of shit Floyd Mayweather is, and how awesome the avengers movies is, but I won't.  Later in the week, I'll provide my full review of "Age of Ultron" but until now, I say boxing is fucked, and I'm sorry if you shelled out money hoping to see Manny beat Floyd's ass. 

Two Guys Hung Out in a Boxing Ring Saturday Night

By:  Mike

Saturday night was an historic night in Pay Per View history.  For the first time ever, a whole hell of a lot of people paid a bunch of money to watch two dudes play patty cake in a boxing ring.  Usually a boxing ring features boxing (an almost extinct sport where two people basically try to kill one another with their fists), but leave it to Las Vegas to push the envelope.  Here's some exclusive footage of MAY-PAC:

Lets be honest, this is hardly a "hot take" by me.  If you're reading this blog, that means you've probably exhausted all your other means of being unproductive at work.  That means you've already read 900 other people criticizing the Mayweather-Pacquiao "fight" for its shortage of fighting.  But it's the truth.  It shouldn't be possible for two of the best "fighters" in the world to go toe-to-toe for 12 rounds and neither of them look like they got hit when it's over.  For those of you who are Mayweather apologists, I get it:  That's how Floyd has fought for his entire career.  That's how he's become the most profitable athlete on the face of the Earth.  And that's a clear reflection of the state of boxing right now.  It's just downright boring.

One thing nobody is talking about is the recent fight for the heavyweight title between Wladimir Klitschko and Bryant Jennings.  Assuming you didn't watch it (I did), let me tell you that it was equally uneventful.  Klitschko is 39 years old.  He's held a piece of the heavyweight title since 2006.  He doesn't throw body shots.  I mean literally, the guy does not go to the body ever.  He jabbed Jennings for 36 straight minutes and won a unanimous decision for his 23rd consecutive title defense.  That's a longer streak than Muhammad Ali or Larry Holmes ever reached.  He's now 64-3 in his career.  Here's the difference:  His three losses have come at the hands of Lamon Brewster (who?), Corrie Sanders (who?), and Ross Puritty (wait...WHO?).  Ali lost five times in his career to Trevor Berbick, Holmes, Leon Spinks, Joe Frazier and Ken Norton.  I'd tell you who he beat of note, but the list is way too long.  Holmes lost 6 times in his career to guys named Evander Holyfield, Mike Tyson and Michael Spinks.  These dudes could FIGHT.

Quick side note which is completely irrelevant to this post:  Klitschko is engaged to the little girl from "Remember the Titans."  He had already been divorced from his first wife for two years when "Remember the Titans" hit theaters.  I can't even hate though, look at this miniature, female football coach all grown up

Sheesh.

Anyway, all I'm saying is that times have changed.  Is boxing dead?  No.  Don't listen to anyone that tells you that.  Boxing ain't going anywhere.  There will always be the Don King's of the world that promote the hell out of some young, up-and-coming fighter, and we will continue to pay to watch these guys fight in hopes that they may be the next big thing.  But we are hardly in the Golden Age of the sport.

And one last thing:  In case you were wondering, THIS is what a fight looks like:

 

I Watched "Interstellar"...WTF

By:  Mike

Warning:  This "review" may contain spoilers, but I'm not sure yet because I haven't determined what I'm writing about yet.  That's a risk you have to decide whether or not you're willing to take.

Is your name Stephen Hawking?  No?  Well then you may want to bypass "Interstellar" when it hits Netflix, because that's who this movie was presumably made for.  Maybe I'm just a complete idiot, but seriously, WTF?  If you plan on watching this movie, remove your brain ahead of time so that when it explodes, at least your face will still be in tact.

As you can see, the movie stars Matthew McConaughey who is the absolute man.  After his portrayal of Rustin Cohle on "True Detective," the dude can do no wrong in my book.  His co-star is Anne Hathaway from "The Devil Wears Prada," or, as I now like to refer to her, "The Devil Wears a Lesbian Haircut Very Poorly."  Basically here's the story:  Earth is doomed, we've destroyed the environment, blah blah blah, and now the two of them have to travel to another galaxy to try to find an inhabitable planet to save the remainder of the human race.  Michael Caine is the driving force behind this mission.  Michael Caine is the sweetest old British man ever, but he's kind of a dick in this movie.  Oh, and it's directed by Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight, Inception, Memento) who I'm also a huge fan of.  So what's the problem?

The problem is that I'm a normal person.  I don't understand space and time.  I barely understood "Star Trek" which talks about black holes for like 5 minutes.  "Interstellar" spends two hours and 45 minutes referencing every astronomical phenomenon that's ever been discovered.  I don't even know if I'm using these terms correctly.  Then Matt Damon pops up and he's a real shit head and now I have trust issues with the characters when the character dynamic WAS THE ONLY THING I THOUGHT I UNDERSTOOD.

At one point in the movie, McConaughey is just chilling in space, just him and his cracked space helmet, and he lands in a book shelf.  But not just any book shelf, a fifth-dimension book shelf.  You know what three-dimensional is, right?  Like something that isn't just flat.  It has length and width and whatever the third dimension is.  Well add two more dimensions to that.  What are those two dimensions?  Great question, I don't have a clue.  Plus, this movie made me cry like three different times which is just bullshit.  I'm crying over shit that I don't even understand.  I think I have my period.

And last, but certainly not least, I got very angry reading the user reviews on IMDB.  Everyone just talking about how amazing it is because everyone else is saying how amazing it is.  Did Christopher Nolan direct the shit out of it?  Of course.  Was it emotional?  Unfortunately, yes.  Was it intense?  Sure was.  Was the cinematography breathtaking?  Aboslutely.  But HOW CAN YOU IGNORE THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT?  And spare me the lies, you didn't understand it.  Wait, did you?  Seriously, did you?  Please explain it to me...Somebody...please...