This Story Contains the Word "Balls" Several Times

Man Crush Everyday.

By:  Mike

I don't usually enjoy writing about things that everyone is talking about because it's honestly hard to come up with a unique take on the situation.  But, I did talk May-Pac, so I might as well just keep it rolling with Ballghazi.  

I shouldn't have to explain what Ballghazi is (also known as Deflate-Gate), but just in case you don't own a TV, computer or smartphone and have still found a way to read this, here's my best crack at it:  Tom Brady and his minions took a little bit of air out of some balls in the AFC Championship game last year.  Yep, that's it.  Now he's suspended for the first four games of the 2015 season and Patriots' owner Robert Kraft is coughing up a fat million (and a couple of draft picks) to NFL Commissioner and total weirdo Roger Goodell.

Quite frankly, you can be the judge of the harshness of the penalties handed down.  They seem a bit excessive in my opinion, but, like I said, Goodell is a weird dude and there has been no precedent set when it comes to deflating balls.  What I will tell you is how much (or how little) of a difference a slightly-less-pumped-up football makes, because I am so qualified to do so.

Who wants to hear about my qualifications?  Who wants to hear how awesome I was at football?  Wait, what's that?  Nobody gives a shit?  Of course not.  But I have thrown a football a few times in my life, so here's what I can tell you:  First, I would need to feel and hold and grab Brady's balls to really know how much deflation occurred.  And I would happily do that.  Unfortunately, I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon, so lets just assume they barely missed the inflation requirements.

The only way that there is any sort of significant advantage is if a "legal" ball is on the verge of popping.  That would be hard to grip.  Otherwise it's like the difference between...well, something that's pumped up and something that is almost as pumped up, but not quite.  Honestly guys, it's a very, very small advantage.

The real question here is this:  Why the hell are NFL teams responsible for the inflation level of their balls?  If you really want things to be fair, shouldn't both teams have to use the same balls?  It only happens in...hmm...let me think...oh, right, EVERY OTHER SPORT.  For heaven's sake, college teams are allowed to use a number of different models of balls.  I'm talking balls of different shapes, colors and textures.  Lots of diversity in the balls found on a college football field.  

So, ultimately the Pats will be Brady-less against the Steelers, Bills, Jaguars and Cowboys.  Most likely the burden will fall on the shoulders of Jimmy Garoppolo, a second-year guy out of Eastern Illinois who is equally Man Crush Monday-worthy (pictured above).  But, have no fear Pats' fans, there is good news:  Bill Belichik found a way to win 11 games with Matt Cassel in 2008 when Brady missed the entire season.  The same Matt Cassel that couldn't start over Christian Ponder in Minnesota.  The same Matt Cassel who threw zero touchdown passes in his college career (no, he didn't go straight to the NFL out of high school).  The same Matt Cassel who stinks.  And here's something to look forward to:  When the Pats and Cowboys meet in Week 4, I'm pretty confident it'll be the first match-up between starting Quarterbacks from Eastern Illinois (stupid stat, but points to me for knowing the Tony Romo also went to E.I.).  I got the Pats starting 3-1 with Garoppolo at the helm.  Who needs Tom Brady, anyway?