I Watched "Interstellar"...WTF

By:  Mike

Warning:  This "review" may contain spoilers, but I'm not sure yet because I haven't determined what I'm writing about yet.  That's a risk you have to decide whether or not you're willing to take.

Is your name Stephen Hawking?  No?  Well then you may want to bypass "Interstellar" when it hits Netflix, because that's who this movie was presumably made for.  Maybe I'm just a complete idiot, but seriously, WTF?  If you plan on watching this movie, remove your brain ahead of time so that when it explodes, at least your face will still be in tact.

As you can see, the movie stars Matthew McConaughey who is the absolute man.  After his portrayal of Rustin Cohle on "True Detective," the dude can do no wrong in my book.  His co-star is Anne Hathaway from "The Devil Wears Prada," or, as I now like to refer to her, "The Devil Wears a Lesbian Haircut Very Poorly."  Basically here's the story:  Earth is doomed, we've destroyed the environment, blah blah blah, and now the two of them have to travel to another galaxy to try to find an inhabitable planet to save the remainder of the human race.  Michael Caine is the driving force behind this mission.  Michael Caine is the sweetest old British man ever, but he's kind of a dick in this movie.  Oh, and it's directed by Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight, Inception, Memento) who I'm also a huge fan of.  So what's the problem?

The problem is that I'm a normal person.  I don't understand space and time.  I barely understood "Star Trek" which talks about black holes for like 5 minutes.  "Interstellar" spends two hours and 45 minutes referencing every astronomical phenomenon that's ever been discovered.  I don't even know if I'm using these terms correctly.  Then Matt Damon pops up and he's a real shit head and now I have trust issues with the characters when the character dynamic WAS THE ONLY THING I THOUGHT I UNDERSTOOD.

At one point in the movie, McConaughey is just chilling in space, just him and his cracked space helmet, and he lands in a book shelf.  But not just any book shelf, a fifth-dimension book shelf.  You know what three-dimensional is, right?  Like something that isn't just flat.  It has length and width and whatever the third dimension is.  Well add two more dimensions to that.  What are those two dimensions?  Great question, I don't have a clue.  Plus, this movie made me cry like three different times which is just bullshit.  I'm crying over shit that I don't even understand.  I think I have my period.

And last, but certainly not least, I got very angry reading the user reviews on IMDB.  Everyone just talking about how amazing it is because everyone else is saying how amazing it is.  Did Christopher Nolan direct the shit out of it?  Of course.  Was it emotional?  Unfortunately, yes.  Was it intense?  Sure was.  Was the cinematography breathtaking?  Aboslutely.  But HOW CAN YOU IGNORE THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT?  And spare me the lies, you didn't understand it.  Wait, did you?  Seriously, did you?  Please explain it to me...Somebody...please...

Krispy Kreme is giving you 12 free doughnuts, if you buy 12. -By Ryan

health food

Apparently today is "Super Hero Day", according to Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.  What does that mean? Well It means that if you buy a dozen, they'll give you an extra FREE dozen on top of that.  Because achieving that super hero physique, starts with cannonballing 24 doughnuts, straight into your fucking feed hole.

And now, this is how I celebrate this wonderdull occasion.  Pictures of comically overweight people.

I hope they're not at a beach near a krispy kreme franchise.  These lovely ladies look like they can each murder about 4 doz' 

Okay, I'm one picture in and I feel like I should explain myself.  What I'm doing here is something called "fat shaming".  Yes it may seem mean, but you don't understand.  I'm a horrible person.

"That's no moon"

I mean c'mon.  Would ya look at the size of that food locker.  I say he buys 3 doz', get 3 free.  Right as he's on his 68th glazed doughnut, he'll go into a diabetic como, and have nightmares about not being able to finish those last 4 doughnuts.

everyone should have a goal in life.

I mean, what can you say about this guy? He looks like a fun time, and I feel bad about saying anything too mean. I'm gonna say he would buy the dozen, get the free dozen, but tell himself, he's gonna share 'em with friends.

that full stage curtain you wearing, somehow looks too revealing on you mam.

Well would you look a this heart breaker? She looks like she might be the entrepreneurial  type.  BBW hooking during the night, cooking meth during the day.  Because to steal a joke from squeezer.  "Meth is the only thing she can cook, without eating it right away"  But really.  She's gotta eat at least 4 dozen to maintain this physique.

Okay, I'm finished.  And in the end, who am I to judge.  I'm killing myself slowly with alcohol.  We all have our vices.  And if sam adams has a buy 12 get 12 beers deal, ya'll know I'd be all over that.  Well, to even the playing field, I am currently working on a post detailing the 7 hours I spent in a strip club on Sunday night.  You know, the kind of thoughtful journalism that makes you really think.

And to keep with the "perv" motif I seem to have going on this blog, I'll leave you with a sexy gif*.

*my sexy Alice Eve .gif has been censored by NSFW pussies.  But don't worry, I'm working on a NSFW section for the site so I can post all the vulgarity I want.

The definitive ranking of the Marvel movies so far- A think piece

So on Friday, "Avengers- Age of Ultron" finally comes out in theaters.  It will culmination of the Marvel Cinematic Universe so far.  With the announcement of the MCU finally taking hold of the "Spiderman Franchise" things are definitely looking up for the Marvel Universe.

Now, it's time to rank the movies so far, because why the fuck not, right?

(This isn't a best to worst list because there is no "worst" marvel movie, this is a strong to strongest list)

10. Thor

Okay, I'm going to be up front about this.  Thor is my least favorite avenger.  He's to goddamn handsome and talks to much like he's in the lord of the rings for my liking.  I dug the Shakespearian take on the whole story.  But seriously, fuck off Thor.  Go look for smeagol and the precious. Natalie Portman is MINE.

*Insert heart eye emoji here

9. The Incredible Hulk

Due to the full-on uncredited re-write of the movie by Ed Norton, this movie turned from a "soft sequel" to the shitty Ang Lee Hulk movie, to a re-boot set in the MCU.  It was good, and the fight scene in Harlem was bad ass.  But it would be ranked higher if either Norton stayed on, or Mark Ruffalo stared.

Hulk needs a squatty potty so he can have better evacuations.  This will cause some major 'roids.

8.Thor-Dark World

Fuck I really don't care much for Thor.  And this is me, low balling movies with Natalie Portman in them.  But of course she'd fall in love with that handsome bastard and not me.

My you have a handsome bosm.

7.Captain America- The First Avenger

This movie is really entertaining, and sets up a lot of back story for the MCU as a whole, and also spawned a TV series.  But, it's not as entertaining as the rest of them. And didn't like Steve pre-super solider serum, look like the kid from Road trip?

In what was the first ever "crossover" scene, Storm from the X-Men (who let herself go a bit) hooks up with Steve Rodgers pre-captain. 

6. Ironman 3

I fucking LOVED this movie.  It was bad ass, and is a major set up for the event in Age of Ultron.  BUT a lack of AC/DC disappointed me.  And Tony Stark calls a young child a pussy.  Fucking kids.

5. Ironman 2

A lot of people are split on whether or not they like this one.  It's very solid and it is an important part of the avengers back story and the MCU as a whole.  On a side not, this movie made me very much want to put my pepper, in pepper potts, pott.  (get it?)

Ms. Potts, are you trying to seduce me?

4.The Avengers

The ultimate super hero movie.  For the first time, what us comic book fans always dreamed about happening, HAPPENED.  Nerds around the world did everything they could to keep their pasty white dicks in their pants while watching this movie.  But honestly who has a tan dick anyway?  Probably nobody, unless you put that fake lotion on it, but that could get strange.  Unless strange is what you're looking for.  Then I'd suppose you could kill two birds with one stone and use it as your jerk Loit' (low-sh).  Take your beautiful tan dick out, and fap away to the awesomeness that is the Avengers.  (Even though it was kind of slow getting to the action)

This is a real thing.  Chyna plays the hulk.

3.Captain America- The Winter Solider

ON YOUR LEFT.  Finally, Cap had a chance to not look like such a douch-puss for a change.  This was more of a government spy thriller than a comic book movie.  And Scar-jo is the really star of this movie.  When the fuck is Black Widow getting her own movie? You think in real life, sexy russian assassins wear tight ass leather jumpsuits and beat ass? That's the world I like to believe exists out there.

Yes.  I realize this post has devolved into something very pervy.

2.Guardians of the Galaxy

This was the most fun anybody had at the movies last summer.  And it might have been the first MCU movie to have a full on semen joke "The black light jackson pollock joke"  and as the hero defeated the main villain, he called him a bitch.

we are groot

1.Ironman

if it wasn't for this, there would be no others.  First of all, Robert Downey Jr. is Tony Stark.  Secondly, The Dude was a pretty solid villain, and lastly it's just a fun fucking movie that started this all.  

In closing, I think I threw my nerd dick and my perv dick right out on the table with my first post, so be prepared for more of these fucking things.  Also I have horrible spelling and grammar, so fuck me right?

As Eric the actor said

goodbye for now

Don't Run a Half Marathon

Written by:  Mike

I'm a somewhat athletic person, or at least I like to think that I am.  I do my best to stay in shape which includes running more miles in a week than the average bear (although I don't eat, sleep and breathe running like many other members of the "running cult").  I'm also a super competitive and sometimes over-confident individual.  I've run the Tough Mudder, finished a Spartan Race and basically convinced myself that there's nothing I can't do.  So, it seemed reasonable to sign up for a half marathon and just crush it like everything else.

I assumed I could stick to my standard exercise regimen which includes pretty much whatever the hell I feel like doing on that particular day.  Some weeks I run three or four days and only lift once or twice, some weeks I lift three or four days and only run once or twice, some weeks I drink alcohol three or four days (or five or six) and forget that exercise is even a thing.  This strict process hadn't failed me yet, so why would this be any different?  I even ran 10.77 miles one time leading up to the race just to experience the physical agony that I would be suffering.  I kinda knocked it out of the park, so I was certain that I was ready for 13.1.  Holy shit was I wrong.

So race weekend finally arrived this past weekend and you better believe I was locked in.  I showed the race a huge amount of respect, probably even more than it deserved, by not ingesting a sip of alcohol on Thursday, Friday or Saturday.  The last time that happened, I was sporting a silver hoop earring in one ear (read my intro post if you're lost).  Sunday morning it was go time.  A few techno beats to get the adrenaline flowing, two bottles of water and a banana, I was freaking unstoppable.  I came roaring out of the gates, cruising past a bunch of slow idiots who weren't half the athlete I was.  By mile four I was way ahead of the 8:00 mile pace, just frying fools.  By mile 7, I was DEAD.

Let me tell you something:  It's an uneasy feeling to know that you're only halfway done with a distance race and have everything below your waist hate you.  Turns out all those slow idiots were much smarter than me.  By mile 10 I had been passed so often that I wasn't certain there was anyone left behind me.  It legitimately crossed my mind that I could be the last person to finish.  Fat, old ladies were slowing down to ask me if I was OK.  By the time I finished, I was weaker than a 30-something, drunk bachelorette at her younger sister's wedding.  I've reached a new low point in my athletic career.

So, there are a few morals to this story:  Don't run a half marathon.  And seriously, if you run a full marathon, what the hell is wrong with you?  The thought of having to run that entire thing again immediately after finishing is horrifying.  And don't underestimate fat, old ladies.  They're ruthless beings.  They will rip your heart out, show it to you, and then stomp it into the earth.

Daredevil on Netflix, a review.

let me start this post off, by saying that I fucking LOVE comic books.  I grew up reading them, and loving them, and in my early teens read a lot of Frank Miller's Daredevil run.  Frank Miller knew how to take a "superhero" and humanize him.  Maybe humanize isn't the word I'm looking for, but fuck did he know how to write a superhero.  A lot of idiot people, are going to see Batman v superman next year and get on reddit screaming with caps "THIS FUCKING MOVIE RIPPED OFF DAREDEVIL" l33t speak.  They will think that because "b v s" is heavily based on "The Dark Knight Returns", the seminal batman book written by the one and only FRANK MILLER, which came after his super influential run on the Daredevil title for marvel.

Okay, now that whatever possible sexual energy may have been in the room, is GONE, let us begin our review.

I will start by making the following statements:

1. This is how a TV show about comics should be done.
2. Vincent D'onofrio deserves an emmy, sag, golden globe, FUCK an OSCAR, for his real portrayal of Wilson Fisk, the kingpin.
3.The cinematography in the show sets the bar high for not only Marvel TV, but Marvel films.
4.Did I mention Vincent D'Onofrio?  They fleshed the villain out so well, by the end of the show, you're not 100% sure he is a villain in the story after all.
5. The most important, and I must stress this point, THEEEEE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS SHOW, is how fucking hot, Deborah Ann Woll is as Karen Page.

which leads me to,
  THE TOP FIVE BEST MOMENTS OF DAREDEVIL

1. When Karen Page is introduced to the show 

even covered in another man's blood... I'm in love

2.In episode 1, when she showed her side boob

*insert heart eye emoji 

3.When she dropped hot metal in westley's ass. (fuck spoilers)

don't mind the icons from my ugly screen cap, this girls is HOT when she's angry.

4. When Daredevil whooops the SHIT out of motherfuckers.

 I know some blogs are like  "torture is wrong and where does he draw the line"  HE DRAWS NO LINE BITCH.  "No torturing" is a guideline for governments.  Daredevil operates outside your bullshit blog, and if you don't like that he sticks a knife in a bad dudes eye nerve, then you're most likely a giant pussy.

This has nothing to do with the above comment, I just am in love with her. Also, that's her portrayal on the comic books.

5.The cinematography.  

I've only had the privilege of gaff taping a lav mic to squeezer's man tits, while it was erotic, it can never compare to taping a lav transmitter to a sexy heroine's leg. 

Okay.  My pictures didn't match up to my thoughts.  But FUCKING WATCH DAREDEVIL  Because if you're reading this blog, you already have too much time on your hands.

A Heartfelt Welcome...And Some Other Bullshit

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages...wait, hold on...I really hope very few children of any age are reading this.  If you're a child, please tell Mommy and Daddy to add this website to their list of parental controlled sites, because this ain't for you.  Can we continue now?  OK, good.  For the rest of you, who are presumably past the age of legal consent, welcome to Shame and Groans.  Hopefully some of you were looking for "Game of Thrones," but your Google account knows you better than that and redirected you to us.  We couldn't be more excited for the launch of this blog.  It's been in the works for three or four days and it's finally time to get this highly anticipated show on the road.  Here are a few things you can expect to find on "Shame and Groans:"

• Rants and reviews regarding Sports, Music, TV/Movies, Nostalgia, and other Miscellaneous nonsense
• Unreasonable opinions from unqualified sources 
• Backed by a lack of research
• An overwhelming sense of shame for enjoying our content
• Unintentional, audible groans while reading
• Debauchery (mostly from one of us, in particular, who you will get to know very shortly)
• Inappropriate language...I'm talking borderline offensive language (mostly from that same one of us)

As we begin this fantastic voyage together, it only seems appropriate that we get to know each other a little bit.  At the time of its conception (right now), "Shame and Groans" features three decorated authors:  Ryan, Tyler and Mike.  Allow us to introduce ourselves...

Ryan...The Guy Being Referenced in the Intro

I'd like to start my introduction by saying that I feel like, when I was conceived, my mom didn't let my dad jerk off.  I don't know for a fact that she didn't allow him, nor do I know that he didn't jerk off.  I do however feel that it's true.  That can be the only explanation for me.  If you know me, you know this is a perfect description of who I am.  If you don't know me, keep reading the non-sense I post on this and you'll get it.

Since the modern internet has made it impossible for kids to read more than a paragraph without getting bored, I'm going to present the rest of my biography in an easily digested "Listical."

Here goes nothing:

Shame and Groans presents:

THE TOP 10 THINGS THIS ASSHOLE RYAN LOVES

(not that you care, but FUCK are lists fun)

1. Comic book shit

This falls under comic books, comic book movies, comic book TV shows, novels written using comic book characters.  You know, stuff that really turns a chick on.

Spider-man 300, drawn by Todd McFarlane, and the first appearance of the black suit. FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP

2.Alcohol

Beer, whiskey, fuck if it gets you drunk, there is a good chance I've guzzled it with enthusiasm. Be prepared to witness gonzo-esq reviews of various alcoholic drinks.

Sam Adams Summer Ale is the nectar of the gods.

3. Masturbation

I left this out of the #1 spot to spare any family members that may stumble upon this blog, whatever shame they may feel.

Yes.  I do own the BiBi Jones butthole fleshlight.

4.Nostalgia 

Fuck, if there is anything better than using your pooled birthday money with your brother to buy a nintendo entertainment system from Jamesway, seeing them tease Super Mario Brothers 3 in the movie the Wizard, and subsequently buying said game from bradlees, and playing it non-stop in between marathon showings of the '66 Batman show on the family channel, I've never known it. 

when we saw this little retarded kid playing the shit out of Mario 3, we all freaked the fuck out, collectively as kids.

We bought a fuck ton of our NES games at this white trash shit-hole.  Mario 2, Mario 3, fucking DUCKTALES

I can vividly remember buying our nintendo, I must have been 4 or 5 years old.  The guy had to reach in this area above him and pull it down, it was like buying the greatest thing ever invented.  Now I buy alcohol, male masturbator toys modeled after porn stars assholes and a subscription to netflix and I'm happy.

5.Music

I mean c'mon, who doesn't love music.  Except for country music, which is for cousin-fucking yokels, I love everything MUSIC. I'm attending the Firefly Music Festival once again this summer, and I intend on starting a "Scientology" like cult. I'll be reporting on the scene each day. 

Nothing like acting stupid with a bunch of kids right? Right?

6.Sports

It gives your something to watch at the bar and talk about with your uncles at family functions.

"meh"

7. Netflix

Because shit should be on my time, ya know?  And it's always nice to load up some saved by the bell episodes to take a fap down memory lane to Kelly Kapowski.

*add many hearts in eyes emoji here

8. Tacos

There is no more perfect food on this planet

let me wrap that junk food in junk food for you sir. 

9.Technology 

One of my first memories of using a computer was when I was three years old. Sitting on my Mom's lap, playing the Ghostbusters video game on our commodore 64, which replaced my crib, and turned my own bedroom into a computer room and moved me into being "roommates with my brother."  It's cool, my Mom built us a bat cave bunk bed setup.  But I always had to be Robin…and Luigi…

No, this isn't me.  But FUCK was stay-puft hard to get past in that game.  

10. Fuck, I'm out of things to list.

My name is ryan, by the way.

Mike...The Cat's Pajamas

Let me begin by saying that my "bio" was going to be a list of the Ten Things That Ryan ACTUALLY Loves, but then I read his list and realized that he used all my ammo on himself.  Eerily similar to the final rap battle in "8 Mile," Ryan channeled his inner B Rabbit and I had to exit stage left like Papa Doc.  WARNING: This video definitely contains language that is definitely NSFW!

So I guess I'll actually tell you about myself.  In my senior pictures from High School, I'm wearing one silver hoop earring and holding a football.  My mother still displays this picture proudly in her home which is awesome because not only do all of my parents' visitors get to see how cool I was/am, but it's always an ego boost for me when I visit.  Now I know what most of you are thinking, "that is pretty sweet, but I'm gonna need to hear more before I form my opinion."  Don't worry, I got you.

As we get older, we get wiser and I'm certainly no exception to that rule.  That's why when I was a sophomore (?) or maybe even a junior in college, I took the next step toward ultimate wisdom:  double piercings in BOTH ears.  That's right, friends, a whopping four cubic zirconia studs on my head.  Straight icy.  I thought, rather I knew I was the man.  Don't believe me?  You don't think it's possible for a mere mortal to be THAT cool?  Feast your eyes on this:

They said it couldn't be done.  Swag, YOLO. 

Double studs complemented by the most douchebag facial hair possible, the ultra thin chinstrap.  Some of my other notable accomplishments have been:  Rocking a women's athletic headband when my hair was entirely too short to be doing so, getting a tribal tattoo featuring the word "strength," getting another tattoo of another word, telling people I can dunk when we all know I really can't, pretending to wipe sweat off my forehead with the bottom of my shirt just to check out my mediocre abs at the gym, and plenty of other things that legends are made of.

Sadly, all of these things are legitimately true.  When I began writing this bio, it was all fun and games.  I hope you all enjoyed it because now I just hate myself.  I'm Mike, but who even cares anymore?

Tyler...The Definition of "Short and Sweet"

I am tyler. I like sports, movies, and watching public meltdowns.  You don't know how fragile life can be until you see an adult stranger lose their sanity right before your eyes. Next time you see someone that looks like they are about to freak out, don't hurry away.  Take a second and watch, you will be happy you did. Do you still want to get to know me?