OMG..."Tusk"...OMG

By:  Mike

Just look at that picture.  Just read the reviews.  "Wild, wacky, grotesque, walrus fun."  What the hell is "walrus fun?"  You'll find out if you watch "Tusk," although that is a very liberal use of the word "fun."  If you read my review of "Interstellar," you know my mind was blown (if you didn't read it, why not?).  "Tusk" blew my mind for completely different reasons.  I didn't know whether to laugh, voluntarily vomit, or curl up in the fetal position and cry.

"Kevin Smith's very best work" is a questionable opinion.  I'm not going to rank Kevin Smith movies (Ryan is much more qualified in that field), but I've seen enough of them to feel a bit uncomfortable with that assessment.  "Kevin Smith's most unique work," or "Kevin Smith's most disturbing work," or "Kevin Smith's work most likely to make you jab a rusty fork into your occipital lobe" would be much more appropriate.  After all, this is the same guy that created Jay and Silent Bob (he also is Silent Bob) and directed "Clerks," "Mallrats," "Dogma," "Zack and Miri Make a Porno" and "Cop Out" just to name a few.  "Tusk" is not any of those movies.  "Tusk" is DEFINITELY NOT any of those movies.

Here's the story:  Justin Long (skinny guy from "Waiting" and Jimmy Fallon look-alike) and some fat, old dude impersonating Haley Joel Osment (the psycho kid from "The Sixth Sense") have a popular podcast called "The Not-See Party" (say it aloud, you'll get it).  The premise of the podcast is that Long goes and interviews random people and then comes back and tells the world about it.  Super-sized Haley Joel Osment is worthless to the podcast, he just laughs a lot, looks gigantic, and *spoiler alert* hooks up with Long's girlfriend.

Anyway, Long goes up to Canada to interview some nerdy kid whose video of himself learning not to play with Samurai swords the hard way went viral (I mean, who doesn't find self-mutilation hilarious these days?).  What he finds when he gets there, to nobody's surprise, is that the kid has off'd himself.  So instead of wasting the trip to see the kid whose suicide he's responsible for, he decides to interview an old man that left a hand-written letter on a bulletin board in the bathroom of a bar two hours away from where he lives.  You know, pretty standard.

He gets to this crazy, old dude's house (old dude played by Michael Parks, from nothing you've ever seen), finds out that he was boys with Ernest Hemingway, and was lost at sea before being rescued by and subsequently leading a totally normal friendship with...wait for it...a walrus named Mr. Tusk.  From there it's that age-old, mundane story of a man trying to turn a human being into a walrus.  Johnny Depp shows up, provides some much-needed comic relief and the rest is history.

I gotta be honest with you, I actually enjoyed the movie.  But I'm sick, I appreciate flicks with some shock value. There's a really good chance that, if you're a normal person and you watch "Tusk," you won't make it through the entire movie.  There are some laughs to be had, though, and a few other things you might actually appreciate:  Michael Parks and Johnny Depp knock it out of the park with their roles, Justin Long's slutty girlfriend is super hot, and you'll feel better knowing that Haley Joel Osment is alive and fat.

This movie is funny, twisted, and just plain disturbing.  Still on the fence about "Tusk?"  You should be.  Watch the trailer if you need some help making a decision...

This Story Contains the Word "Balls" Several Times

Man Crush Everyday.

By:  Mike

I don't usually enjoy writing about things that everyone is talking about because it's honestly hard to come up with a unique take on the situation.  But, I did talk May-Pac, so I might as well just keep it rolling with Ballghazi.  

I shouldn't have to explain what Ballghazi is (also known as Deflate-Gate), but just in case you don't own a TV, computer or smartphone and have still found a way to read this, here's my best crack at it:  Tom Brady and his minions took a little bit of air out of some balls in the AFC Championship game last year.  Yep, that's it.  Now he's suspended for the first four games of the 2015 season and Patriots' owner Robert Kraft is coughing up a fat million (and a couple of draft picks) to NFL Commissioner and total weirdo Roger Goodell.

Quite frankly, you can be the judge of the harshness of the penalties handed down.  They seem a bit excessive in my opinion, but, like I said, Goodell is a weird dude and there has been no precedent set when it comes to deflating balls.  What I will tell you is how much (or how little) of a difference a slightly-less-pumped-up football makes, because I am so qualified to do so.

Who wants to hear about my qualifications?  Who wants to hear how awesome I was at football?  Wait, what's that?  Nobody gives a shit?  Of course not.  But I have thrown a football a few times in my life, so here's what I can tell you:  First, I would need to feel and hold and grab Brady's balls to really know how much deflation occurred.  And I would happily do that.  Unfortunately, I don't think that's gonna happen anytime soon, so lets just assume they barely missed the inflation requirements.

The only way that there is any sort of significant advantage is if a "legal" ball is on the verge of popping.  That would be hard to grip.  Otherwise it's like the difference between...well, something that's pumped up and something that is almost as pumped up, but not quite.  Honestly guys, it's a very, very small advantage.

The real question here is this:  Why the hell are NFL teams responsible for the inflation level of their balls?  If you really want things to be fair, shouldn't both teams have to use the same balls?  It only happens in...hmm...let me think...oh, right, EVERY OTHER SPORT.  For heaven's sake, college teams are allowed to use a number of different models of balls.  I'm talking balls of different shapes, colors and textures.  Lots of diversity in the balls found on a college football field.  

So, ultimately the Pats will be Brady-less against the Steelers, Bills, Jaguars and Cowboys.  Most likely the burden will fall on the shoulders of Jimmy Garoppolo, a second-year guy out of Eastern Illinois who is equally Man Crush Monday-worthy (pictured above).  But, have no fear Pats' fans, there is good news:  Bill Belichik found a way to win 11 games with Matt Cassel in 2008 when Brady missed the entire season.  The same Matt Cassel that couldn't start over Christian Ponder in Minnesota.  The same Matt Cassel who threw zero touchdown passes in his college career (no, he didn't go straight to the NFL out of high school).  The same Matt Cassel who stinks.  And here's something to look forward to:  When the Pats and Cowboys meet in Week 4, I'm pretty confident it'll be the first match-up between starting Quarterbacks from Eastern Illinois (stupid stat, but points to me for knowing the Tony Romo also went to E.I.).  I got the Pats starting 3-1 with Garoppolo at the helm.  Who needs Tom Brady, anyway?

What you should buy your Mother- by ryan.

Sunday is Mothers Day,  and we here at Shame and Groans love the women who raised us.  Admittedly,  my lovely mother has yet to read this blog, but she raised me. She's well aware of what an asshole I am. 

SO, in keeping with said tradition, I present to you all a list of gifts you should buy your mother and why.

Replica John Hammond Walking Stick

I mean, what mother doesn't want to throw on her white linen old man suit,straw hat, and limp around her dinosaur zoo with this beautiful cane.  It'll allow her to stare deep into the soul of the mosquito, captured inside the replica amber, and wonder if the lives lost at the hands of your frankenstein like theme park monsters, was worth all the hassle. 

Yes, we have a t-rex.  It's made my hitatchi and it vibrates.

Batman Motorcycle suit.

This is the real deal.  Jacket, pants, gloves, boots, utility belt.  What mother wouldn't want to fire up her hog on sunday morning, leather up in this hot outfit, and go cruising around town talking in the grumbly batman voice.  "yes I'd like a goddamn mimosa with my french toast, and to save gotham city" she grumbles at the waiter while she orders brunch "I'm batmom"   "Okay mom, I think you've had one too many mimosas, maybe you want to back off for a little bit"  "I'm not mom you little pale bitch, I'm batmom"  "thanks for pointing out my pale thighs batmom, you know I'm sensitive about it.

I'm not the batmom ryan deserves, I'm the batmom ryan needs

Ironman 1:1 scale helmet bluetooth speaker

With this kick ass piece of memorabilia, your mom will be able to sit in her breakfast nook, rocking out to the foreigner album your dad used to finger blast her to back when they were "intimate" still, all the while telling guests that that is the real life decapitated head of Ironman, it's her trophy and she turned it into a speaker.  "MOM, will you get your hand off your lady parts!"  "relax you pale little bitch, it's over the pants, now shut up, double vision is coming on"  

Well your father certainly isn't ironman.... if you know what I mean.  He's more like "The Flash"

Star Wars Admiral Ackbar Singing Bass

Back before you were born, there was a point when your mother was excited for you.  It might not have been pre-conception.  It might not have been at conception.  It probably wasn't in the nine months POST conception.  But most likely at some point, your mother thought having a kid was going to be the biggest reward in her life.  Now she can hang this in her bed room to always remind her.  It's a trap.

Maybe you'll meet a nice girl in a cantina... you don't have to worry about meeting a robot.  Their kind aren't welcome.

Night Vision Goggles 

Because that fucking cunt across the street is up to something, and someone's gotta keep an eye on her.  It's okay mom, your decent in to crotchety old ladydom" is happening at a steady clip.  We've got you these to help.  For those few nights when you're actually awake while it's dark outside.

remember, if they're heavy, they're expensive. 

And there you have it.  Some great last minute gift ideas for dear old mom.

till next time

-ryan

How To Drink Tequila

By:  Mike

On behalf of all of us here at "Shame and Groans," let me just say that we all enjoy a nice alcoholic beverage from time to time.  Not only are we enthusiasts of all things inebriating, but I'd go so far as to call us experts on the subject.  So listen up while I tell you the socially acceptable and unacceptable methods of consuming everyone's favorite Cinco de Mayo intoxicant:  Tequila.

Let me begin by saying that tequila really has an undeserved reputation.  Oh, you hate it because it gets you super drunk?  That's the softest thing I've ever heard.  Do you hate money because you can buy a bunch of stuff with it?  Do you hate buffalo wings because they're delicious?  Here's a crazy idea:  Don't rip 11 shots in a half hour if you don't like being drunk.

Now, the key to understanding how to consume tequila is understanding what shelf you'll find it on at the local state store.  Back when I had money, I'd indulge in a bottle of top-shelf tequila from time to time because it's downright delicious.  When it comes to the top-shelf variety, it's more about how NOT TO drink it than it is about how TO drink it.  Plain and simple, you do not mix a top-shelf tequila with anything.  If you're straight balling out of control and you can afford Patron, Don Julio, Avion or some other crazy tequila with a corked-top that I've never heard of, you best be taking it as a shot or on the rocks.  Don't let me see you order it in a margarita or I'll fight you out of principle (I'll also be jealous because you clearly don't care about wasting money).

Now, your middle shelf tequilas are as versatile as a liquor can get.  If you're going with the standard Jose Cuervo, Hornitos, or 1800, you have my permission to imbibe it however you fancy.  And no, 1800 isn't top-shelf as much as you want it to be.  Top-shelf liquors don't need some gimmicky bottle-top that pours a bullshit shot for you and then drips all over the floor when you're finally able to pry it off.  Just look how dumb this is:

Finally, you have your bottom-shelf tequilas.  This group will certainly give you the best bang for your buck if you don't mind drinking pure gasoline.  Some noteworthy bottom-shelf tequilas are Agavales, Montezuma, Pepe Lopez, anything that you can find in a plastic bottle, and Tila.  If you're not stupid, these are the tequilas that you get in your margaritas.  Those Mexican treats are always delightful regardless of the ingredients.  So, now the one question that's left is:  Can I drink a bottom-shelf tequila as a shot or on the rocks?  The answer is.....DUH, OF COURSE YOU CAN.  And I will respect the hell out of you if I ever see you drinking Tortilla Silver on the rocks.  I just really wouldn't recommend it. 

Five fights that were better than "Mayweather vs. Pacquiao"- By Ryan

1. Bobby Hill vs. Hank Hill (King of the Hill)

Dirty pool mister.

Sure the "fight of the century" was star-studded, but I'm pretty sure Boomhauer was hand to witness this fight.  

ALSO, there was more action.  When Manny would get a "flurry" going, Floyd would just hug him until it was broken up by the ref.  When Hank got a "flurry" going on Bobby, Bobby yelled "I don't know you, that's my purse" and planted a foot straight into Hank's fellas.   Imagine if that happened on Saturday night, it could have truly lived up to it's "fight of the century" bill.

2. Barry Badgernath vs. Todd Wolfhouse (Beerfest)

I HATE YOU BARRY BADGERNATH

Sure, they had comically oversized boxing gloves on.  And sure Barry was wearing a 70's wedding tuxedo, while Todd wore a matching wedding dress.  And sure the cops broke it up before a single punch was thrown, but they were fighting for honor.  Barry slept with Todd's wife.  They still left on a 5 person bike, as friends.  Some things in life are more important than sleeping with other peoples wives.  Like beer.  Beer is more important.

3. Little Mac vs. Glass Joe (Punchout)

More punches thrown, and an all around better fight.  Plus it's Little Mac's first professional victory as a fighter.  Did you even wonder, while you were a kid playing Mike Tyson's Punch Out, why King Hippo's dong never fell out while his shorts were being knocked down? I mean, he's a big dude, you have to figure he's rocking something massive in those trunks, yet no spillage.

4. Any fight in hockey

Seriously, instead of paying 100 bucks to watch two idiots doing nothing in a rings for 12 rounds, watch any NHL game.   You'll see a fight that might only last less than a minute, but will have more punches thrown, more intensity, and more action than any of "Money Mayweathers" fights combined. 

5.The Hulk vs. Ironman in Hulkbuster armor

Okay, duh.  This fight beats most of them, but it makes me feel happy that while I happily paid money to watch Avengers Age of Ultron and see this epic battle, I watched the shitty "fight of the century" for free.  I can go on all day about what a piece of shit Floyd Mayweather is, and how awesome the avengers movies is, but I won't.  Later in the week, I'll provide my full review of "Age of Ultron" but until now, I say boxing is fucked, and I'm sorry if you shelled out money hoping to see Manny beat Floyd's ass. 

Two Guys Hung Out in a Boxing Ring Saturday Night

By:  Mike

Saturday night was an historic night in Pay Per View history.  For the first time ever, a whole hell of a lot of people paid a bunch of money to watch two dudes play patty cake in a boxing ring.  Usually a boxing ring features boxing (an almost extinct sport where two people basically try to kill one another with their fists), but leave it to Las Vegas to push the envelope.  Here's some exclusive footage of MAY-PAC:

Lets be honest, this is hardly a "hot take" by me.  If you're reading this blog, that means you've probably exhausted all your other means of being unproductive at work.  That means you've already read 900 other people criticizing the Mayweather-Pacquiao "fight" for its shortage of fighting.  But it's the truth.  It shouldn't be possible for two of the best "fighters" in the world to go toe-to-toe for 12 rounds and neither of them look like they got hit when it's over.  For those of you who are Mayweather apologists, I get it:  That's how Floyd has fought for his entire career.  That's how he's become the most profitable athlete on the face of the Earth.  And that's a clear reflection of the state of boxing right now.  It's just downright boring.

One thing nobody is talking about is the recent fight for the heavyweight title between Wladimir Klitschko and Bryant Jennings.  Assuming you didn't watch it (I did), let me tell you that it was equally uneventful.  Klitschko is 39 years old.  He's held a piece of the heavyweight title since 2006.  He doesn't throw body shots.  I mean literally, the guy does not go to the body ever.  He jabbed Jennings for 36 straight minutes and won a unanimous decision for his 23rd consecutive title defense.  That's a longer streak than Muhammad Ali or Larry Holmes ever reached.  He's now 64-3 in his career.  Here's the difference:  His three losses have come at the hands of Lamon Brewster (who?), Corrie Sanders (who?), and Ross Puritty (wait...WHO?).  Ali lost five times in his career to Trevor Berbick, Holmes, Leon Spinks, Joe Frazier and Ken Norton.  I'd tell you who he beat of note, but the list is way too long.  Holmes lost 6 times in his career to guys named Evander Holyfield, Mike Tyson and Michael Spinks.  These dudes could FIGHT.

Quick side note which is completely irrelevant to this post:  Klitschko is engaged to the little girl from "Remember the Titans."  He had already been divorced from his first wife for two years when "Remember the Titans" hit theaters.  I can't even hate though, look at this miniature, female football coach all grown up

Sheesh.

Anyway, all I'm saying is that times have changed.  Is boxing dead?  No.  Don't listen to anyone that tells you that.  Boxing ain't going anywhere.  There will always be the Don King's of the world that promote the hell out of some young, up-and-coming fighter, and we will continue to pay to watch these guys fight in hopes that they may be the next big thing.  But we are hardly in the Golden Age of the sport.

And one last thing:  In case you were wondering, THIS is what a fight looks like:

 

I Watched "Interstellar"...WTF

By:  Mike

Warning:  This "review" may contain spoilers, but I'm not sure yet because I haven't determined what I'm writing about yet.  That's a risk you have to decide whether or not you're willing to take.

Is your name Stephen Hawking?  No?  Well then you may want to bypass "Interstellar" when it hits Netflix, because that's who this movie was presumably made for.  Maybe I'm just a complete idiot, but seriously, WTF?  If you plan on watching this movie, remove your brain ahead of time so that when it explodes, at least your face will still be in tact.

As you can see, the movie stars Matthew McConaughey who is the absolute man.  After his portrayal of Rustin Cohle on "True Detective," the dude can do no wrong in my book.  His co-star is Anne Hathaway from "The Devil Wears Prada," or, as I now like to refer to her, "The Devil Wears a Lesbian Haircut Very Poorly."  Basically here's the story:  Earth is doomed, we've destroyed the environment, blah blah blah, and now the two of them have to travel to another galaxy to try to find an inhabitable planet to save the remainder of the human race.  Michael Caine is the driving force behind this mission.  Michael Caine is the sweetest old British man ever, but he's kind of a dick in this movie.  Oh, and it's directed by Christopher Nolan (The Dark Knight, Inception, Memento) who I'm also a huge fan of.  So what's the problem?

The problem is that I'm a normal person.  I don't understand space and time.  I barely understood "Star Trek" which talks about black holes for like 5 minutes.  "Interstellar" spends two hours and 45 minutes referencing every astronomical phenomenon that's ever been discovered.  I don't even know if I'm using these terms correctly.  Then Matt Damon pops up and he's a real shit head and now I have trust issues with the characters when the character dynamic WAS THE ONLY THING I THOUGHT I UNDERSTOOD.

At one point in the movie, McConaughey is just chilling in space, just him and his cracked space helmet, and he lands in a book shelf.  But not just any book shelf, a fifth-dimension book shelf.  You know what three-dimensional is, right?  Like something that isn't just flat.  It has length and width and whatever the third dimension is.  Well add two more dimensions to that.  What are those two dimensions?  Great question, I don't have a clue.  Plus, this movie made me cry like three different times which is just bullshit.  I'm crying over shit that I don't even understand.  I think I have my period.

And last, but certainly not least, I got very angry reading the user reviews on IMDB.  Everyone just talking about how amazing it is because everyone else is saying how amazing it is.  Did Christopher Nolan direct the shit out of it?  Of course.  Was it emotional?  Unfortunately, yes.  Was it intense?  Sure was.  Was the cinematography breathtaking?  Aboslutely.  But HOW CAN YOU IGNORE THE FACT THAT YOU DIDN'T UNDERSTAND IT?  And spare me the lies, you didn't understand it.  Wait, did you?  Seriously, did you?  Please explain it to me...Somebody...please...

Krispy Kreme is giving you 12 free doughnuts, if you buy 12. -By Ryan

health food

Apparently today is "Super Hero Day", according to Krispy Kreme Doughnuts.  What does that mean? Well It means that if you buy a dozen, they'll give you an extra FREE dozen on top of that.  Because achieving that super hero physique, starts with cannonballing 24 doughnuts, straight into your fucking feed hole.

And now, this is how I celebrate this wonderdull occasion.  Pictures of comically overweight people.

I hope they're not at a beach near a krispy kreme franchise.  These lovely ladies look like they can each murder about 4 doz' 

Okay, I'm one picture in and I feel like I should explain myself.  What I'm doing here is something called "fat shaming".  Yes it may seem mean, but you don't understand.  I'm a horrible person.

"That's no moon"

I mean c'mon.  Would ya look at the size of that food locker.  I say he buys 3 doz', get 3 free.  Right as he's on his 68th glazed doughnut, he'll go into a diabetic como, and have nightmares about not being able to finish those last 4 doughnuts.

everyone should have a goal in life.

I mean, what can you say about this guy? He looks like a fun time, and I feel bad about saying anything too mean. I'm gonna say he would buy the dozen, get the free dozen, but tell himself, he's gonna share 'em with friends.

that full stage curtain you wearing, somehow looks too revealing on you mam.

Well would you look a this heart breaker? She looks like she might be the entrepreneurial  type.  BBW hooking during the night, cooking meth during the day.  Because to steal a joke from squeezer.  "Meth is the only thing she can cook, without eating it right away"  But really.  She's gotta eat at least 4 dozen to maintain this physique.

Okay, I'm finished.  And in the end, who am I to judge.  I'm killing myself slowly with alcohol.  We all have our vices.  And if sam adams has a buy 12 get 12 beers deal, ya'll know I'd be all over that.  Well, to even the playing field, I am currently working on a post detailing the 7 hours I spent in a strip club on Sunday night.  You know, the kind of thoughtful journalism that makes you really think.

And to keep with the "perv" motif I seem to have going on this blog, I'll leave you with a sexy gif*.

*my sexy Alice Eve .gif has been censored by NSFW pussies.  But don't worry, I'm working on a NSFW section for the site so I can post all the vulgarity I want.

The definitive ranking of the Marvel movies so far- A think piece

So on Friday, "Avengers- Age of Ultron" finally comes out in theaters.  It will culmination of the Marvel Cinematic Universe so far.  With the announcement of the MCU finally taking hold of the "Spiderman Franchise" things are definitely looking up for the Marvel Universe.

Now, it's time to rank the movies so far, because why the fuck not, right?

(This isn't a best to worst list because there is no "worst" marvel movie, this is a strong to strongest list)

10. Thor

Okay, I'm going to be up front about this.  Thor is my least favorite avenger.  He's to goddamn handsome and talks to much like he's in the lord of the rings for my liking.  I dug the Shakespearian take on the whole story.  But seriously, fuck off Thor.  Go look for smeagol and the precious. Natalie Portman is MINE.

*Insert heart eye emoji here

9. The Incredible Hulk

Due to the full-on uncredited re-write of the movie by Ed Norton, this movie turned from a "soft sequel" to the shitty Ang Lee Hulk movie, to a re-boot set in the MCU.  It was good, and the fight scene in Harlem was bad ass.  But it would be ranked higher if either Norton stayed on, or Mark Ruffalo stared.

Hulk needs a squatty potty so he can have better evacuations.  This will cause some major 'roids.

8.Thor-Dark World

Fuck I really don't care much for Thor.  And this is me, low balling movies with Natalie Portman in them.  But of course she'd fall in love with that handsome bastard and not me.

My you have a handsome bosm.

7.Captain America- The First Avenger

This movie is really entertaining, and sets up a lot of back story for the MCU as a whole, and also spawned a TV series.  But, it's not as entertaining as the rest of them. And didn't like Steve pre-super solider serum, look like the kid from Road trip?

In what was the first ever "crossover" scene, Storm from the X-Men (who let herself go a bit) hooks up with Steve Rodgers pre-captain. 

6. Ironman 3

I fucking LOVED this movie.  It was bad ass, and is a major set up for the event in Age of Ultron.  BUT a lack of AC/DC disappointed me.  And Tony Stark calls a young child a pussy.  Fucking kids.

5. Ironman 2

A lot of people are split on whether or not they like this one.  It's very solid and it is an important part of the avengers back story and the MCU as a whole.  On a side not, this movie made me very much want to put my pepper, in pepper potts, pott.  (get it?)

Ms. Potts, are you trying to seduce me?

4.The Avengers

The ultimate super hero movie.  For the first time, what us comic book fans always dreamed about happening, HAPPENED.  Nerds around the world did everything they could to keep their pasty white dicks in their pants while watching this movie.  But honestly who has a tan dick anyway?  Probably nobody, unless you put that fake lotion on it, but that could get strange.  Unless strange is what you're looking for.  Then I'd suppose you could kill two birds with one stone and use it as your jerk Loit' (low-sh).  Take your beautiful tan dick out, and fap away to the awesomeness that is the Avengers.  (Even though it was kind of slow getting to the action)

This is a real thing.  Chyna plays the hulk.

3.Captain America- The Winter Solider

ON YOUR LEFT.  Finally, Cap had a chance to not look like such a douch-puss for a change.  This was more of a government spy thriller than a comic book movie.  And Scar-jo is the really star of this movie.  When the fuck is Black Widow getting her own movie? You think in real life, sexy russian assassins wear tight ass leather jumpsuits and beat ass? That's the world I like to believe exists out there.

Yes.  I realize this post has devolved into something very pervy.

2.Guardians of the Galaxy

This was the most fun anybody had at the movies last summer.  And it might have been the first MCU movie to have a full on semen joke "The black light jackson pollock joke"  and as the hero defeated the main villain, he called him a bitch.

we are groot

1.Ironman

if it wasn't for this, there would be no others.  First of all, Robert Downey Jr. is Tony Stark.  Secondly, The Dude was a pretty solid villain, and lastly it's just a fun fucking movie that started this all.  

In closing, I think I threw my nerd dick and my perv dick right out on the table with my first post, so be prepared for more of these fucking things.  Also I have horrible spelling and grammar, so fuck me right?

As Eric the actor said

goodbye for now

Don't Run a Half Marathon

Written by:  Mike

I'm a somewhat athletic person, or at least I like to think that I am.  I do my best to stay in shape which includes running more miles in a week than the average bear (although I don't eat, sleep and breathe running like many other members of the "running cult").  I'm also a super competitive and sometimes over-confident individual.  I've run the Tough Mudder, finished a Spartan Race and basically convinced myself that there's nothing I can't do.  So, it seemed reasonable to sign up for a half marathon and just crush it like everything else.

I assumed I could stick to my standard exercise regimen which includes pretty much whatever the hell I feel like doing on that particular day.  Some weeks I run three or four days and only lift once or twice, some weeks I lift three or four days and only run once or twice, some weeks I drink alcohol three or four days (or five or six) and forget that exercise is even a thing.  This strict process hadn't failed me yet, so why would this be any different?  I even ran 10.77 miles one time leading up to the race just to experience the physical agony that I would be suffering.  I kinda knocked it out of the park, so I was certain that I was ready for 13.1.  Holy shit was I wrong.

So race weekend finally arrived this past weekend and you better believe I was locked in.  I showed the race a huge amount of respect, probably even more than it deserved, by not ingesting a sip of alcohol on Thursday, Friday or Saturday.  The last time that happened, I was sporting a silver hoop earring in one ear (read my intro post if you're lost).  Sunday morning it was go time.  A few techno beats to get the adrenaline flowing, two bottles of water and a banana, I was freaking unstoppable.  I came roaring out of the gates, cruising past a bunch of slow idiots who weren't half the athlete I was.  By mile four I was way ahead of the 8:00 mile pace, just frying fools.  By mile 7, I was DEAD.

Let me tell you something:  It's an uneasy feeling to know that you're only halfway done with a distance race and have everything below your waist hate you.  Turns out all those slow idiots were much smarter than me.  By mile 10 I had been passed so often that I wasn't certain there was anyone left behind me.  It legitimately crossed my mind that I could be the last person to finish.  Fat, old ladies were slowing down to ask me if I was OK.  By the time I finished, I was weaker than a 30-something, drunk bachelorette at her younger sister's wedding.  I've reached a new low point in my athletic career.

So, there are a few morals to this story:  Don't run a half marathon.  And seriously, if you run a full marathon, what the hell is wrong with you?  The thought of having to run that entire thing again immediately after finishing is horrifying.  And don't underestimate fat, old ladies.  They're ruthless beings.  They will rip your heart out, show it to you, and then stomp it into the earth.

Daredevil on Netflix, a review.

let me start this post off, by saying that I fucking LOVE comic books.  I grew up reading them, and loving them, and in my early teens read a lot of Frank Miller's Daredevil run.  Frank Miller knew how to take a "superhero" and humanize him.  Maybe humanize isn't the word I'm looking for, but fuck did he know how to write a superhero.  A lot of idiot people, are going to see Batman v superman next year and get on reddit screaming with caps "THIS FUCKING MOVIE RIPPED OFF DAREDEVIL" l33t speak.  They will think that because "b v s" is heavily based on "The Dark Knight Returns", the seminal batman book written by the one and only FRANK MILLER, which came after his super influential run on the Daredevil title for marvel.

Okay, now that whatever possible sexual energy may have been in the room, is GONE, let us begin our review.

I will start by making the following statements:

1. This is how a TV show about comics should be done.
2. Vincent D'onofrio deserves an emmy, sag, golden globe, FUCK an OSCAR, for his real portrayal of Wilson Fisk, the kingpin.
3.The cinematography in the show sets the bar high for not only Marvel TV, but Marvel films.
4.Did I mention Vincent D'Onofrio?  They fleshed the villain out so well, by the end of the show, you're not 100% sure he is a villain in the story after all.
5. The most important, and I must stress this point, THEEEEE MOST IMPORTANT PART OF THIS SHOW, is how fucking hot, Deborah Ann Woll is as Karen Page.

which leads me to,
  THE TOP FIVE BEST MOMENTS OF DAREDEVIL

1. When Karen Page is introduced to the show 

even covered in another man's blood... I'm in love

2.In episode 1, when she showed her side boob

*insert heart eye emoji 

3.When she dropped hot metal in westley's ass. (fuck spoilers)

don't mind the icons from my ugly screen cap, this girls is HOT when she's angry.

4. When Daredevil whooops the SHIT out of motherfuckers.

 I know some blogs are like  "torture is wrong and where does he draw the line"  HE DRAWS NO LINE BITCH.  "No torturing" is a guideline for governments.  Daredevil operates outside your bullshit blog, and if you don't like that he sticks a knife in a bad dudes eye nerve, then you're most likely a giant pussy.

This has nothing to do with the above comment, I just am in love with her. Also, that's her portrayal on the comic books.

5.The cinematography.  

I've only had the privilege of gaff taping a lav mic to squeezer's man tits, while it was erotic, it can never compare to taping a lav transmitter to a sexy heroine's leg. 

Okay.  My pictures didn't match up to my thoughts.  But FUCKING WATCH DAREDEVIL  Because if you're reading this blog, you already have too much time on your hands.

A Heartfelt Welcome...And Some Other Bullshit

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages...wait, hold on...I really hope very few children of any age are reading this.  If you're a child, please tell Mommy and Daddy to add this website to their list of parental controlled sites, because this ain't for you.  Can we continue now?  OK, good.  For the rest of you, who are presumably past the age of legal consent, welcome to Shame and Groans.  Hopefully some of you were looking for "Game of Thrones," but your Google account knows you better than that and redirected you to us.  We couldn't be more excited for the launch of this blog.  It's been in the works for three or four days and it's finally time to get this highly anticipated show on the road.  Here are a few things you can expect to find on "Shame and Groans:"

• Rants and reviews regarding Sports, Music, TV/Movies, Nostalgia, and other Miscellaneous nonsense
• Unreasonable opinions from unqualified sources 
• Backed by a lack of research
• An overwhelming sense of shame for enjoying our content
• Unintentional, audible groans while reading
• Debauchery (mostly from one of us, in particular, who you will get to know very shortly)
• Inappropriate language...I'm talking borderline offensive language (mostly from that same one of us)

As we begin this fantastic voyage together, it only seems appropriate that we get to know each other a little bit.  At the time of its conception (right now), "Shame and Groans" features three decorated authors:  Ryan, Tyler and Mike.  Allow us to introduce ourselves...

Ryan...The Guy Being Referenced in the Intro

I'd like to start my introduction by saying that I feel like, when I was conceived, my mom didn't let my dad jerk off.  I don't know for a fact that she didn't allow him, nor do I know that he didn't jerk off.  I do however feel that it's true.  That can be the only explanation for me.  If you know me, you know this is a perfect description of who I am.  If you don't know me, keep reading the non-sense I post on this and you'll get it.

Since the modern internet has made it impossible for kids to read more than a paragraph without getting bored, I'm going to present the rest of my biography in an easily digested "Listical."

Here goes nothing:

Shame and Groans presents:

THE TOP 10 THINGS THIS ASSHOLE RYAN LOVES

(not that you care, but FUCK are lists fun)

1. Comic book shit

This falls under comic books, comic book movies, comic book TV shows, novels written using comic book characters.  You know, stuff that really turns a chick on.

Spider-man 300, drawn by Todd McFarlane, and the first appearance of the black suit. FAP FAP FAP FAP FAP

2.Alcohol

Beer, whiskey, fuck if it gets you drunk, there is a good chance I've guzzled it with enthusiasm. Be prepared to witness gonzo-esq reviews of various alcoholic drinks.

Sam Adams Summer Ale is the nectar of the gods.

3. Masturbation

I left this out of the #1 spot to spare any family members that may stumble upon this blog, whatever shame they may feel.

Yes.  I do own the BiBi Jones butthole fleshlight.

4.Nostalgia 

Fuck, if there is anything better than using your pooled birthday money with your brother to buy a nintendo entertainment system from Jamesway, seeing them tease Super Mario Brothers 3 in the movie the Wizard, and subsequently buying said game from bradlees, and playing it non-stop in between marathon showings of the '66 Batman show on the family channel, I've never known it. 

when we saw this little retarded kid playing the shit out of Mario 3, we all freaked the fuck out, collectively as kids.

We bought a fuck ton of our NES games at this white trash shit-hole.  Mario 2, Mario 3, fucking DUCKTALES

I can vividly remember buying our nintendo, I must have been 4 or 5 years old.  The guy had to reach in this area above him and pull it down, it was like buying the greatest thing ever invented.  Now I buy alcohol, male masturbator toys modeled after porn stars assholes and a subscription to netflix and I'm happy.

5.Music

I mean c'mon, who doesn't love music.  Except for country music, which is for cousin-fucking yokels, I love everything MUSIC. I'm attending the Firefly Music Festival once again this summer, and I intend on starting a "Scientology" like cult. I'll be reporting on the scene each day. 

Nothing like acting stupid with a bunch of kids right? Right?

6.Sports

It gives your something to watch at the bar and talk about with your uncles at family functions.

"meh"

7. Netflix

Because shit should be on my time, ya know?  And it's always nice to load up some saved by the bell episodes to take a fap down memory lane to Kelly Kapowski.

*add many hearts in eyes emoji here

8. Tacos

There is no more perfect food on this planet

let me wrap that junk food in junk food for you sir. 

9.Technology 

One of my first memories of using a computer was when I was three years old. Sitting on my Mom's lap, playing the Ghostbusters video game on our commodore 64, which replaced my crib, and turned my own bedroom into a computer room and moved me into being "roommates with my brother."  It's cool, my Mom built us a bat cave bunk bed setup.  But I always had to be Robin…and Luigi…

No, this isn't me.  But FUCK was stay-puft hard to get past in that game.  

10. Fuck, I'm out of things to list.

My name is ryan, by the way.

Mike...The Cat's Pajamas

Let me begin by saying that my "bio" was going to be a list of the Ten Things That Ryan ACTUALLY Loves, but then I read his list and realized that he used all my ammo on himself.  Eerily similar to the final rap battle in "8 Mile," Ryan channeled his inner B Rabbit and I had to exit stage left like Papa Doc.  WARNING: This video definitely contains language that is definitely NSFW!

So I guess I'll actually tell you about myself.  In my senior pictures from High School, I'm wearing one silver hoop earring and holding a football.  My mother still displays this picture proudly in her home which is awesome because not only do all of my parents' visitors get to see how cool I was/am, but it's always an ego boost for me when I visit.  Now I know what most of you are thinking, "that is pretty sweet, but I'm gonna need to hear more before I form my opinion."  Don't worry, I got you.

As we get older, we get wiser and I'm certainly no exception to that rule.  That's why when I was a sophomore (?) or maybe even a junior in college, I took the next step toward ultimate wisdom:  double piercings in BOTH ears.  That's right, friends, a whopping four cubic zirconia studs on my head.  Straight icy.  I thought, rather I knew I was the man.  Don't believe me?  You don't think it's possible for a mere mortal to be THAT cool?  Feast your eyes on this:

They said it couldn't be done.  Swag, YOLO. 

Double studs complemented by the most douchebag facial hair possible, the ultra thin chinstrap.  Some of my other notable accomplishments have been:  Rocking a women's athletic headband when my hair was entirely too short to be doing so, getting a tribal tattoo featuring the word "strength," getting another tattoo of another word, telling people I can dunk when we all know I really can't, pretending to wipe sweat off my forehead with the bottom of my shirt just to check out my mediocre abs at the gym, and plenty of other things that legends are made of.

Sadly, all of these things are legitimately true.  When I began writing this bio, it was all fun and games.  I hope you all enjoyed it because now I just hate myself.  I'm Mike, but who even cares anymore?